I'm scared of drugs

Not to co-opt a term from the neurodivergent community, but lately I have been, ahem, hyperfixating on a TV show called Hamilton's Pharmacopeia. 

Hamilton's Pharmacopeia is a docuseries in which a hipster twerp by the name of Hamilton Morris travels the world and makes documentaries about (usually obscure) recreational drugs.  It's fascinating, and also one of the funniest tv shows I've ever seen—not because it's trying to be funny, but because Hamilton is so deadpan and awkward and manages to interview some real kooks on camera that it becomes its own kind of absurdist comedy. 

the man, the myth, the legend himself

Anyways, I've dedicated each night from the past several weeks to learning about ~drugz~ as much as humanly possible, despite the fact that I have never really been one to engage in recreational substance use. 

not even marc by marc jacobs weed appeals to me

If you had asked me before a week or two ago, I probably would've said I abstain from drugs for the following reasons:

1. I'm vain.  Taking copious amounts of drugs, especially through smoking, causes premature aging.  I have shit genetics, so I can't take any liberties when it comes to drugs if I want to succeed in reaching my number one goal in life—which is to reach the peak of my hotness in my 40's. 

2. I'm an addict.  I mean, I am hardcore addicted to caffeine to the point where I can chug an entire bottle of cold brew and feeling nothing because my tolerance is so high.  Any attempts I've made to reduce my caffeine consumption are feeble and last for a few days at most.  

And again, this is caffeine we're talking about.  Could you imagine how I'd react to heroin, or even worse, a fellow stimulant like cocaine? Rehab is expensive and takes a lot of effort.  I'm cheap and lazy.  No fucking thanks. 

3. I'm not like the other girls.  Or the other boys, for that matter.  When I was in my teens and had a raging individuality complex (ok fine....I still have a raging individuality complex), many adults in my life told me that I was not going to be able to resist the peer pressure to drink and do drugs as I got older.  I found this notion to be deeply offensive.  Me?! Succumbing to peer pressure?!?!?!  

Every time I was offered a drink or blunt at a party, I would hear my father's voice ringing in my ears: You won't be able to resist drugs and alcohol, and then I would refuse whatever substances I had been given out of spite.  Which, if that was some kind of reverse psychology ploy to get me to not dabble in drug use, hats off to my parents because they really outdid themselves with that one. 

4. I made a promise.  In 8th grade, our health class unit was all about drugs.  I learned about them with a zealous fervor because doing so made me feel mature and edgy.  I learned the difference between stimulants and depressants, the trips magic mushrooms could take you on, the damage weed could do to a developing brain.  

And you know what?  With all the new drugged-up information my squishy little brain contained, I decided the funniest possible thing wasn't to start using drugs.  It was to just become a little crazy and get the reputation as the guy who's always "high on life," that one friend who doesn't need drugs because they're just on cloud nine naturally.  So, I promised myself that I would never do recreational drugs (except for shrooms because I thought they were cool), and I take promises of such nature very seriously.  

What I did NOT take into account, however, is that I am too serious and socially awkward to get the reputation as being "high on life," so the whole plan was nixed.  Instead, I was labelled as the off-putting, uptight weird girl who probably has an eating disorder or some kind of deep-rooted religious trauma.  Something like that.

But anyways, drugs have been on my mind as of late because of my Hamilton's Pharmacopeia obsession.  And so, while pacing around my room in a caffeinated frenzy, I stumbled upon a realization for my disinterest for drugs that I had never considered before: drugs scare me. 

I have this thing where I feel like, because I grew up as an introverted only child, I have a very strong relationship with myself and with my identity.  I know who I am, what my goals are, what kind of person I want to be—all of that kind of nonsense—and I believe in it very firmly.  What would happen if I were to take a drug that would induce some kind of life-altering or personality-altering experience?  What if I did ecstasy and lost my cynicism?  What if I got drunk and lost my reserved nature?  What if I smoked weed and suddenly became happy and chill, not the neurotic little bitch I usually am?  What if I inhaled psychedelic toad venom and decided that the abstract concept of love could be a quantifiable ingredient added to cookies?  Oh, the horror!

At some point though, the line between wanting to be true to myself and wanting to grow as a person becomes as thick and as inseparable as a giant medieval fortress.  My concept of self and my drive to be incessantly me at all times were holding me back from experiencing new events, meeting new people, and exploring new points of view that would lend themselves to personal growth.  And as a result, I have just become this awkward little husk of a person who has gained no real life experiences since being in high school and still kind of feels like a teenage loser despite being well into my 20's. 

I have to change.  Being the same is boooooring.  I'm tired of feeling immature and pathetic.  I need to grow as a person, or else I will never find fulfillment or satisfaction in life.  And as much as I like to play the misery chick and talk about being a masochist, I would, at some point, like to accomplish a hope or a dream.  And I can't stay where I've been for the past decade if I want to do so. 

So, sorry to 14-year-old me: first chance I get, I'm going to do some drugs and see what happens.  I'm going to trip on shrooms and drop acid at a rave with my friends and see what kind of mind-altering fuckery they induce.  And it's going to be ok, because if we all kept the promises we made to ourselves at 14, the human population would be very emotionally stunted and immature.  I mean like, even more so than we are already.  

And if I want to avenge the life I've lost due to incessant chronic health issues, I have to be open and ready for any opportunity that comes my way.  I'm ready to embrace all that life has to offer, and, as Lemonade Mouth said, turn the world into my dance floor, no matter how cheesy that sounds.  I've got to do some fucking drugs, man.  I have got to do some drugs.  

It'll be interesting to see how I feel about all of this in a year or so from now.